Not everyone appreciates the same music as you. That you most likely know. What you may not know is that they also might not like the sound of you chewing ice. Or potato chips. Or cereal. Or slurping soup. Or even chawing on a fucking salad. Human noises that are out of place are excruciatingly annoying to a large number of people. Many of whom may someday hurt you for it. If you are eating lunch with any number of people; that’s great. But if even one person around you is not involved in the eating or the visiting, you should think about relocating. Because it is the decent thing to do.
You may actually be the greatest drummer since Buddy Rich. (Pro-Tip: You aren’t.) However, that doesn’t give you the right to drum on your fucking desk all day, or even for a minute. It certainly doesn’t give you the right to tap out the same damn beat when you do. At least have the decency to come up with something a little different if you absolutely must be a complete asshole and make this annoying noise all day.
Your desk belongs to you… for now. When you leave dirty dishes around for several months (No, I am not exaggerating; several fucking months at a time.) you involve “the team.” When exactly is your fucking mommy getting here, because somebody has to clean that shit up. Your Ramen noodles don’t walk to the fucking sink dragging your shit-covered bowl and wash it for you. Or is that the big experiment? Are you going to apply electricity to the dregs when they are just “done” enough and hope to bring forth life?
Your conversations are not private and I know you know it. I know you know it because these are the same conversations you have already had with the same person or they do not ever need to be held. You are not being paid by the word. I know you are having this conversation strictly for my benefit. I know you are telling someone the things that you want me to know. I can only assume that is because you want to impress me since what you are saying is irrelevant to my life. I am not impressed and, in fact, am less impressed for the transparent effort you are putting into it. If I wanted to know how good you are at tennis and what your plans for your future are, I would ask, I promise. I literally could not care any less.
When you are on the phone, the microphone capturing your vocal diarrhea spewing from your filthy lips works pretty fucking well. You don’t need to shout into it. All that does is irritate the people around you because the phone conversations they are engaged in become difficult to conduct and it makes it harder to think when you are trying to block out nonsense that some dip-shit is screaming next to you. You live in a society ass wipe, start acting like it.
Don’t bring your fucking family into work. Unless they are getting a damn paycheck, they should stay the fuck out. If you bring them here to eat lunch with you, fine; go into the fucking break-room – don’t sit here and make me listen to you chew and chat. If they are coming to pick you up for lunch, they should wait in the fucking car until you can get your happy ass out there to them. If they are dropping you off and waiting for you to grab your 800 lb. bag of pro sports equipment because you have a Big Game later that day, they should also wait in the fucking car. I don’t give a shit if it is going to be 30 minutes, they don’t belong in here.
The take-away from this little rant should be that you are one of about 7.3 Billion people in the world. You are not as special as you think and there are probably 100,000 people enough like you in the world to make you indistinguishable from them except in appearance. You think you are the only one in the room most of the time, and your chomping, smacking, tapping, snorting, stupid, ass can’t fathom that the guy next to you may be trying to concentrate on something important to him or her.
Don’t be an asshole and try to look at yourself and what you are doing through someone else’s eyes.
I Hate Thinking This Stuff 